Having difficulty containing her laughter at all of the insanity smushed into one day, my friend Kaity told me I should write it all down – she often has good advice and I count on her to be my Universe reading guru, weekly hot chocolate date and San Diego hotel guide, so I listened. If I’m honest, the last month has been a bit fuzzy and much of the fuzzy turned to calamity as Mother Nature smashed clouds and condensation together in a sea of cold, white madness above our heads at the start of the year.
Friday was exactly a month since Dad died. Thursday was his birthday. With the impending winter monstrosity, Wednesday was food shopping mayhem and Tuesday night ,after a 12 plus hour drive from the Great Smoky Mountains, we arrived in New York around 10pm. Needless to say it’s been a bit nutty and I’ve been feeling stuck (both literally and figuratively – I truly believe I’m solar powered). But what got Kaity doubled over with laughter was the fact that even during the massive nor’easter welcome (when we decided to leave the accommodation we were given [at the greeting of a few grain beetles in the kitchen] and to repack the car in the blizzard of the millennium) I didn’t remember/know to wear socks and with the wind whipping frozen bits of wet white stuff in our faces, I was sure to have my sunglasses glued atop my head. San Diego has definitely had an impact on me.
To sum up, we were welcomed back to NY by an obscene storm, packed and repacked the entire car in newsworthy wind, drove in 14 plus inches of snow (after not having seen the likes of any of that in three years), didn’t wear socks, missed celebrating Dad’s birthday with brunch with Mom as we were in different locations and then drove in weather (that both my Dad and I despised) on exactly one month after his death. Let’s just say that when I rang Kaity to ask her what on earth the message of the Universe might be, the positivity and sparkly bubble that I try to live within was about to burst.
What could the message be? Turn and run and head straight back to San Diego where your flip flops are ready to great you and your sunglasses firmly belong on your head? You haven’t seen snow in three years so we’ll throw it all at you and if you can hack this and the arctic tundra, you can hack it for the months that the husband’s new gig brings you to NY? Or is it Kaity’s take that the Universe decided instead of spreading insanity out over weeks or months, she flung it all together and said, ‘here, you get a few days of crazy – if you can get through this….you’re good to go’. I’m listening, but let’s just say that I’m struggling with interpreting all of this (if any of my yoga gurus are listening, I’m open to interpretations).
So, new year, new location (yet no official place to live), new gig for the husband, new (if not very old) weather to actually pay attention to and new dates to deal with that will now forever tug at my heartstrings. Pick your words – oy vey, oofdah, ugh, woosah or whatever works for you, but those were the feelings swirling in my head. Mindfulness magic, yogic breathing, meditations, motivational readings, chats with the Universe and positive reinforcement were all employed yet these few days I’ve definitively felt pushed to the limit and as if I’m teetering on the edge. If the airports had been open I think I’d have been on the first flight westbound. I’m grateful to have choices and options, but if I’m honest….this isn’t easy.
It’s the beginning of a new year, one filled with firsts I wish I didn’t know yet filled with positive potential of unmatched proportions. This is a year of new actions and renewed positivity. This is a year of challenges, obstacles, magical opportunities and testing theories. This is a year of struggle and laughter, hugs and heartfelt smiles, love and lots of yoga and learning to get better at leaning on those who love you. Grief is an enigma. Each person I’ve spoken with has had their own story and their own advice but some things remained the same – the journey is long, it sneaks up on you at weird times and there are all sorts of avenues available to assist. I may not yet be able to fully interpret what the Universe is saying, but I’m definitely trying to listen as much as I can.
So, it’s all up in the air at the moment and I’m doing my best to accept the unknown. We may remain in New York, we may head back to San Diego in hours or weeks or months, we may find beauty in a short stint of seasons or we may ditch it all and see where the wind takes us. At the moment, George Carlin’s ‘STUFF‘ is my life and I know my Dad is happy we’re on the east coast and still thrilled he didn’t have to be in the cold or shovel this heavy white stuff. I’m grateful for the clarity that yoga brings, shared laughter on both coasts and the love felt amongst family and friends. I’m grateful for opportunities and choices, mindfulness and magic, support and challenges and those who care enough to be a part of the journey. It might not be the easiest year, but three years in San Diego has taught me that both creating and manifesting miracles are true things and that there’s more magic around every corner.
I hang up with Kaity and within moments get a picture message of her adorable puppy reminding me that ‘I got this’. Minutes later Debbie messages ‘been thinking about you’, the camp girls continue with their constant messages of support, love and all things kind, Laurie returns an email with an offer to chat and the husband reaches for my hand. It’s okay to have moments of scared and couple them with lots of love, smile filled memories and moments of grace. Positive adventures aren’t without their bumps, potholes and cracks in the surface – thanks for being a part of my journey and either knowing the number to call for road pavers or jumping in with me to show me the way out. Onwards and upwards from here.