Seeking that true self


I’ve been thinking a lot about the true self. Some people find it in their younger years and hold onto it. Others search for decades only to find out in their golden years that they’ve been living by the rules of others for sometime now. Whether it’s been from society, friends, family, religion, what you think you’re ‘supposed’ to do or based on what you’ve seen on television – the focus has been somewhere else, not on your true self. How do we bring that to the table?

It’s a feeling that something is out of alignment, no longer serving you and something needs to shift. Interestingly enough, It’s something deep in the soul that sends shimmers to the brain or being once in awhile. We’ve all seen the memes and Instagram accounts of the octogenarians taking the world by storm. They put on their most colourful threads, throw caution to the wind and are the hippest ladies around. They know, they’ve found it and are willing to share that comfort in their own skin with the world.

I’ve realized how partial I am to shows and movies that showcase that transition somewhere along the line. In Broadway’s Wicked, Elphaba,’the green witch’, has a rocky start in her youth, an experience along the way that changes her and finishes the show standing strong in her own voice. Frozen, too, has a difficult start, an experience that fully sparks Elsa to find herself and that powerful spirit or true self that becomes apparent in the end. Perhaps it’s not the same, but somewhere along the way, there’s been a transition in my world, too.

Wrinkles of that transition probably began long before I can remember, but it sparked 15 year ago when I went to New Zealand and then cracked open along that one year honeymoon around the world. It’s been in the middle of those phases since then and for some reason moving to San Diego has made it feel as if I’m finally beginning to see the other side – that I’m finding my voice, my true self.

All the things, good and bad led me here. Perhaps the challenges help to foster the transition. Perhaps the transition sprinkles in the whispers of clarity. Perhaps the clarity opens our possibilities to embrace that true self. On and off the yoga mat, I feel it more and more. There are still heaps of moments of haze and fogginess where the present and the future seem fuzzy, as if the purpose is not yet clear. But, there are also those moments of that certainty that reminds me to continue to seek, continue to be curious and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

A turn of a calendar page seems to awaken these thoughts, emblazons the curiosity and encourage the seeker to seek. There’s another full year in front of us. Empty pages on which to inscribe dreams, create visions and manifest life the way we hope it can be. Patience plays a role in all of this. Sitting with it all, not knowing the outcome and believing in the possibilities matter. Clarity isn’t continuous. We all have those days when it seems like the world has too many troubles to fix, when the mountains in front of us are too immense to climb and when that path that may have been clear yesterday feels utterly amorphous or filled with potholes.

Show up. Keep showing up and then show up again. Put one foot in front of the other. Smile at a stranger, find gratitude in the every day, help someone and remember that the clarity will return. For me, I head to a yoga class, go for a walk by the ocean, hit a trail or chat with a friend. Little by little it returns, the clouds part and the grounding feeling of comfort in ones own skin returns. Stay open, remain curious and keep seeking. Finding that true self is a continual process, hell, even Frozen has a sequel. What does your next page look like?

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