I’ve been noticing moments of clarity and awareness coupled with those of anxiety and fear of the unknown – have you? Sure, it comes in waves and as the days tick by there are moments when it feels the paralyzing fear of the beginning has slightly ebbed – and then I remember that we have to go downstairs to get the mail or pick up a food delivery and that feeling of panic sets right back in. And don’t get me started on the dreams – those are a constant roller coaster. Still, I seem to find awareness creeping in a bit more – perhaps it’s part of those stages of grief and getting closer to acceptance of this new reality in lieu of fighting against it (even if unknowingly), I don’t know. Either way, the act of noticing has become a bit more prominent in my world these days – what about you? How are you holding up? What are you noticing?
It started happening a lot last week – well, three times that I can remember where the noticing and awareness became paramount, jumping to the forefront of my mind – part of the healing process, you think? Although according to those far more knowledgeable than me, it seems it’s difficult to heal in the space while the disturbance continues to takes place. This is all definitely a process, that’s for certain. The Universe works in magical ways and I’m grateful for it all. What have you noticed?
Mom gifted us Disney+ for a year – it’s awesome. We’ve been watching various documentaries and movies on phones as we walk (barefoot and on tip toe) the 600+ square footage of our studio apartment back and forth for a bit of a workout. We decided to check out the Star Wars series from start to finish – the other night was the second one, Empire Strikes Back – you know, where Yoda makes an appearance. I swear the force is meditation and the Jedi training is a mixture of yoga, mindfulness, and martial arts. Is it that I’ve been away from this series for a whole bunch of decades, that yoga is more prominent in my world, or that for a moment, while watching the movie, the palpable fear dissipated enough to let in the awareness of paying attention and actually remain present in the moment? I don’t know, but it showed up and I’m grateful.
Last weekend I got an invite to a zoom ‘brunch’ with counselors from my sleep away camp – you know, the one I last attended in the nineties. These significant humans galloped into my world when I was ten and have been around making a difference in various ways since then. I wrote college essays about them, called them crying when one thing, or another happened in my twenties and still ‘see’ them in the digital world (and some in the real 3 dimensional one) today. The age and life difference between 14 and 20 is huge, today, it’s nothing. I smiled for an hour and laughed for most of it. I popped in and the faces of my childhood greeted me with a warm hug and inviting smiles. It’s like they magically knew they were needed – thanks, Universe. I’m so very grateful they showed up.
And then there was a conversation with one of my best friends about who’s showing up, who you reach for in a time of uncertainty, who’s checking in, and what those check-ins will look like when this pandemic abates. An enlightening conversation as always, we chatted about how awesome it is to be in touch as often as we can, the video chats and the check-ins and you know, what would change when the world picks back up again. When more people have the ability of choice, will they return to their ‘busy’ lives or will some of this awareness, closeness, and compatibility remain. Of course, those same humans might still be in our world, but perhaps not in as prominent as those zoom happy hours and daytime video chats. Will we still reach for those same people and will they be there to extend that hug? When schools return, travel is allowed, work goes back to that of a non-virtual one (if it was possible at all), and when all of us (those with underlying conditions, too) are able to breathe a little easier again – will we look for going back to exactly the way things were before, or will we see more clearly and look for something deeper? Who knows, really, either way – the noticing was nice, the conversation fruitful, and the gratitude plentiful.
In those darker moments, look to the rainbows, the butterflies that flutter past the windows, the birds that send chirps to soaring mates, and friends who pick up the FaceTime when we barge into their day. Our circumstances may be varied, our situations different, and our wounds (some far deeper than others) heal in their own space and time. All we can do is be there for each other, lift each other up, lend a helping hand, and share our stories. Trying to keep that perspective, that gratitude and allowing the awareness of everything in. The only way out is through – keep feeling the feelings, I’m right there with you. Keep showing up – it matters.