Choosing you

Sometimes it’s hard to choose you. For some reason, so many of us have grown up thinking that putting ourselves first or on the same playing field as others is selfish. Somehow we’ve been indoctrinated into the belief that everyone else matters more than we do, that work relationships mean we ‘should’ suffer, that we must ‘bend’ to what others need and that we put our feelings aside to make others feel better. Why on earth were we ever taught to think we matter any less than anyone else?

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One month, two weeks; Monday

Exactly one month ago we left New York headed west to San Diego. Five seconds shy of leaving with sustenance from the bagel store, the husband slipped on black ice and that was that. The six day road trip included an urgi care visit in western Pennsylvania, an ortho clinic visit in Kentucky, amazingly compliant ADA hotel rooms and kind people along the way, a visit to the Louisville Slugger Factory, barbecue in the car in St. Louis and two weeks (exactly two weeks today) later a tibial plateau fracture surgery by a military/baseball affiliated surgeon in San Diego – this was a different kind of road trip.

Horcruxes, hindsight and happiness

Prior to diving into a relationship with the world of Harry Potter, horcruxes and dementors were never part of my vocabulary. The creative juices of JK Rowling changed that and so much more. She added terms like hippogryphs and alohamora, wands and wizardy, put a face and voice to those things that go bump in the night, lent a figure to those things that suck out our happiness and always showed that although there might be great struggle, somehow good will triumph. Her boggarts and dementors were fairly shapeless yet the idea of their makeup held steadfast – their design is to suck the happy – somehow we’ve all encountered one or two in our lives.

Growth in a cup of coffee

Travel has always been my vice. A friend of mine used to tell me that the reason she thought I loved travel was that it took me away from the reality of the everyday. She knew I loved the adventure but wasn’t certain that the day-today minutiae was for me (even though she knew that at the time I adored my profession). Needless to say, that from the beginning of my teaching career (and for many years prior to it and since) I booked a holiday for every break we had. Summers were spent working, but school breaks were meant for holiday relaxation.

Shifts and lessons

List after list exists dictating the ten most stressful life events; turns out we’ve got at least four going on simultaneously. The death of a loved one, starting a new job, relocating, searching for a spot to stay – choose your words, oy vey, oofdah, holy sh*t or whatever works for you; needless to say there’s a lot of ‘life’ going on at the moment. My friend Kris said, ‘at worst it’s a movie plot’ and my friend Stacey said, ‘your life is always an adventure’ – I imagine they’re both right. But damn, there are a lot of balls in the air at the moment and – I’m thinking at least one is bound to smack me in the head at any moment.

In search of santosha

I think I’ve been on a constant journey with twists, turns, caverns, mountains, potholes, valleys, deserts and beaches. There’s no way my fifteen, twenty or even thirty year old self could conceptualize this winding path and I imagine each of those moments were significant steps along the way. It’s shifted gears, changed direction, sought guidance, considered progress, gotten stuck and reached for paths unknown, but where it’s going is anyone’s guess.

Living in the in between

Here we are in the in between. Those moments of everyday that we might not think will be the ones we talk about later – these are those. With the insanity of December madness behind us and the future of another blank slate in front of us – we’re in the in between. The days (like all others) that we do our best to make the most count, find the most joy, get stuck and get unstuck, giggle, cry, dream, build, manifest, create, jump, sing, play and make magic. These, like all others, are those bonus days…now we have to remember that!

Sometimes life gets in the way. You find your happy, grab on tightly with both hands and sometimes it slips beneath the surface. In a miracle-like matter, perspective jumps up and smacks you in the face and you’re back. You build a tribe of magical people who show up in your life when you need it most, never falter when called upon and are always open to providing those mindful messages and moments of laughter that we all, without question, need. But often, we get swept up in everyday hooey of stuff and forget that smile, forget that magic and forget that we too can create and cultivate miracles of our very own. Living in the in between, those days where the year has begun yet you’re not sure the direction it’s headed, we need to grab on tight and get that happy.

It’s funny, I used to think that finding your happy meant going out and changing spaces. That the search for that happy would take you around the globe, to cities and countrysides, from beaches to boardwalks and everywhere in between and someplace hidden amongst the geography you’d uncover a rock and there you’d find your happy. Although the journey is fun, enticing, mind-shifting, perspective changing and definitively inviting, I was wrong. Finding your happy isn’t only about geography, it’s not only about longitude and latitude, it’s not only about a specific spot – it’s more about you than we choose to believe. Trust me, I still FIRMLY believe that there are places filled with more ease than others, spaces that make me feel better in mind, heart, body, spirit and soul than others and spots I’d choose to rather be because my heart smiles far more when I’m there than when I am not. But somehow, deep down, that happy is in us. Whether we’re talking about chemical reactions, thought processes, mindfulness, attitudes, perspectives or everyday outlooks and beliefs – that search for happy is perhaps not as solely intertwined with geography as I first thought.

It’s hard in the in between. Those seven days of the week where teachers aren’t counting days till break, where there’s no big commercial or religious holiday on the rise, where the sporting calendar is in between the start and those ones that ‘matter’, when that next holiday booking is far beyond your reach – when it’s a plain old Tuesday – that’s when it matters perhaps even more than we think. Find those moments in the middle to take a breath, count your blessings, laugh with friends, play outside, get your rest, eat something you enjoy, practice kindness, take a class, delve deeper, smile, hug, laugh and dream. These are the days that will make up the stories of the future. Whether you believe it or not, each of these are the bonus days – let’s make them all count.

It Begins

Having difficulty containing her laughter at all of the insanity smushed into one day, my friend Kaity told me I should write it all down – she often has good advice and I count on her to be my Universe reading guru, weekly hot chocolate date and San Diego hotel guide, so I listened. If I’m honest, the last month has been a bit fuzzy and much of the fuzzy turned to calamity as Mother Nature smashed clouds and condensation together in a sea of cold, white madness above our heads at the start of the year.

365 sunrises

To say that the last month as been a whirlwind is an understatement. There have been changes every which way we look – some of those are choices of our own making and others are ones of which we have had zero control. Some provide that level of utter fear mixed with excitement coupled with a dash of ‘what the hell are we doing’ while others feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us and we don’t know which end is up. Amidst a cross-country road trip, thoughts of life, balance, chaos, mindfulness and so many other things have been swirling through my mind. As with many, the end of the year is a time to take stock – this year is filled with a lot of that.

What San Diego taught me

It’s been three years since we landed here in search of an outdoor lifestyle and endless vitamin D. Sure, we knew we’d have access to that west coast easy vibe, but what we found in San Diego goes far beyond beaches, trails and fabulous fish tacos. The last few weeks have been hard, really hard. Feeling like the rug was pulled out from under us with the sudden and unexpected death of my Dad, even more perspective has begun to set in. There are waves of emotion coming at me from all angles and at times there are smiles through tears. With a lot going on and many changes happening simultaneously, finding some clarity and stability feels like a miracle. Much of this, I’ve learned in San Diego.

It’s hard to put into words, but after almost exactly three years in this relaxed west coast city, I am certain that something about San Diego has officially changed us for the better. For a girl who rarely struggles with enough verbiage to describe a situation; the words escape me, but I know that this southern Californian city is forever a place we’ll call home.